Hazards of Jealousy
Feroshia R.J. Knight, MA, PCC
The hardest lessons to learn always teach us the most. They're so excruciating, we don't want to relive them. And so it happened that I learned the hard way at the holiday cocktail party at my new boyfriend's house.
Sporting a festive red, rhinestone-studded tutu, my chiweenie accompanied me to the soiree. If I was to meet my new beau's friends and colleagues, they in turn could meet the most important being on the planet to me, [dog's name]. How was I to know that [dog's name] would make a better entrance—and exit—than me?
Things started out innocently enough. Beau met me at the door with a kiss and then played the frenzied host, greeting new arrivals, refilling drinks, and setting out more hors d'oeuvres as they got eaten up. I helped out, but you'd be surprised how hard it is to move hot meatballs from the oven to a chafing dish when they crumble right off your tongs. Fortunately, what ends up on the floor is quickly vacuumed up by the visiting canine.
Throughout the evening, Beau circulated and chatted with people. When he stopped to chat with young, vibrant, beautiful women, a funny thing happened to me. I felt tense when he lingered too long, laughed too hard, or didn't introduce me when I was nearby. What were they saying, what did I not know, and why was I not included?
Then Beau would brush by me, pausing to plant a kiss on my cheek. He'd smile and wink and clink his glass in a toast with mine. And then he'd be off again.
Of course, he still cared about me. After all, I was the one he kissed!
I felt a sickening pang in my stomach when I realized I'd been comparing myself. Was I as attractive, intelligent, and exciting as the other women? What did Beau see in me, a woman ten years older than most of his guests, when he could have any other sweet young thing in the room? I wondered which ones he'd dated before and which ones he wanted to date even now.
Worse, which ones had he slept with, and which ones did he want to sleep with? I became possessive, and it took no more than sixty minutes to drive myself crazy with suspicion.
In an effort to remind Beau (or more accurately, to remind myself) that I was quite the catch, I made alluring conversation with one of Beau's workmates who couldn't get enough my chiweenie's affection. There I was, flirting with a man who preferred my dog. Still, the glower in Beau's eyes told me he'd noticed. He walked my direction, and I thought, Ah-ha! Now he's going to show me the attention I deserve!
But he passed right by. I felt naked in a room full of high-fashion celebrities, and my ego plummeted to an all-time low. By evening's end, I had pulled Beau aside and reinstituted the Spanish Inquisition. I may have raised my voice; he definitely raised his. And then we promptly broke up.
You see what happened, right?
Rarely in my life has jealousy gotten the better of me. You see, jealousy happens to a person long before it happens to a relationship. It's an internal matter, a negative emotion with roots in low self-esteem and fear. It eats away your self-confidence and then sabotages you by letting your imagination run amok. Pretty soon, because of unreasonable demands and expectations, you've alienated the one person you would do anything to keep.
Don't want a jealousy jag to sabotage you? Here are a few things to consider:
- Trust. Unless a person has given you a verifiable reason otherwise, give them the benefit of the doubt. Stick to what you know for a fact, and don't let your imagination run wild.
- Seek to understand. If you feel possessive of someone, check yourself. Is it because this person is in danger? Or is it because you feel insecure? If the former, you may be justified in taking action to protect that person from harm. But if the latter, go back to #1 above.
- Act with integrity. Even if someone is doing something behind your back, conduct yourself with integrity. Keep your wits, your self-respect, and your humanity, and you keep your personal power. Besides, if you discover your fears were unfounded, you'll be glad you didn't embarrass yourself and scar a perfectly good relationship.
And now I must go shopping for this year's perfect holiday dress. I'm thinking festive red, rhinestones, and a tutu.
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